just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
