everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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