my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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