He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
