she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
