I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
