the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
my liver is dry heaving
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
