fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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