god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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