you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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