i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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