3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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