I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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