dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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