Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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