You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Come on in and take your pants off
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