I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
