you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I touched a dick in church today
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
