I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize