You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
