I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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