Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
