i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize