I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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