She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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