smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
