How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
