I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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