You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize