FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
