and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
