this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
