I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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