Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize