I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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