So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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