cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize