My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
