So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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