no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
They have beer where we have blood.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
