We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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