Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We are two peas in an std pod
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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