I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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