had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize