Heybabeimwearingurpanties
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
