4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize