I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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