The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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