these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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