And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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