Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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