theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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