your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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