Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
