omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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