I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
