Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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