I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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