Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
