The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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