I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Randomize
