Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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